Some sad news to share this time (I know, it has been all sunshine and rainbows up until now). On Thursday, May 23, we headed into the hospital to get me checked out, as I hadn't been feeling any movement in a while. Our worst fears were confirmed, Devlin showed no signs of life. We were told that there was no rush to induce labour, but I seriously begged to differ, and we had me scheduled for induction Thursday evening at 5PM.
I arrived solo at the hospital at 5PM, but didn't actually see a doctor until about 7:30 or so. B stayed at home with the kids because at least 2 of them were not feeling well, including D. I had absolutely wonderful nurses while I was there, and it's a good thing, since it was 18 hours before the induction took! It was a generally unpleasant wait, since I a good chunk of my time was spent being told of our options and things that we needed to decide and prepare for after I delivered. There was a ton of paperwork to be filled out, far more than with a live birth. We declined an autopsy, since we already knew so much about what was wrong with Devlin, it didn't seem fitting to slice him open just to be told what we already knew.
I was beginning to get impatient with the process (and the HORRID hospital food) by mid-day Friday, May 24, but at about 2PM I started to have contractions. Dr. S arrived to give yet another dose of Cytotec at 6:00-ish, and B arrived at roughly the same time. Anyway, things progressed and, at just before 7PM, Devlin was delivered. Things went blessedly fast once they started, and before we knew it, it was all over.
The next decision that we were to make was easily the most difficult that I have had to make in recent memory: did we want to see him? B was sure that he did, but for me it wasn't until the nurse said "This is the only chance you'll get" that I really realized that it was true, it was now or never. He was brought over to us, wrapped in a blanket, and we had a few minutes to look at him, he was so, so small. His left hand hadn't fully developed and had no fingers, but mostly he was just SO small! His weight was 267 grams, which works out to a scant 9.4 ounces, and he was only about 10 inches long.
Recovery has been relatively easy physically. I was not in any pain after the delivery, and I came home first thing Saturday morning. B was really sick on Saturday, so I had to take on a little bit more than I was ready for, but his body needed to let things go, he had been fighting something off for days. We have all been there. UUP, GG-ma, GG-pa, UUI, UUJ, and my Mom were a big help from Thursday on, and on Saturday afternoon, V and little-G arrived from NYC to help out over the weekend.
B and I are immensely grateful for all of the help that has been given and offered, and we thank you all for your patience and understanding with us over the past little while. We know that we are still only at the beginning of the grieving process, and that the next while is going to be difficult. It is being very hard on me because, outwardly, I look perfectly normal, but I DID just go through labour and delivery...I just don't have a baby to show for it. I am finding that even I expect myself to jump right back into full normal activity, even though I know that it isn't feasible. I get incredibly tired, incredibly quickly.
The kids are coping fairly well. T is a bit sad, R seems angry, but E and D are too young to understand, so they are acting pretty much normal. They all mean well, but it is clear that their best intentions are not coming across quite the way they might mean for them to. T told B that we can always just have another little baby boy and name him Devlin Malachi. He had to explain to her that we do not replace people, and that Devlin will always be her brother and a part of our family, even if we don't see him.
We are going to have Devlin cremated, since we don't know for certain if we will live in Ottawa forever, and we can't bear the thought of leaving Devlin all alone. We will have him with us, along with his teddy bear and the memory box that the staff at the hospital made up for us. Also, since neither of us is religious, we do not plan to have a formal funeral, but instead would like to have a family gathering that is nice and quiet.
I arrived solo at the hospital at 5PM, but didn't actually see a doctor until about 7:30 or so. B stayed at home with the kids because at least 2 of them were not feeling well, including D. I had absolutely wonderful nurses while I was there, and it's a good thing, since it was 18 hours before the induction took! It was a generally unpleasant wait, since I a good chunk of my time was spent being told of our options and things that we needed to decide and prepare for after I delivered. There was a ton of paperwork to be filled out, far more than with a live birth. We declined an autopsy, since we already knew so much about what was wrong with Devlin, it didn't seem fitting to slice him open just to be told what we already knew.
I was beginning to get impatient with the process (and the HORRID hospital food) by mid-day Friday, May 24, but at about 2PM I started to have contractions. Dr. S arrived to give yet another dose of Cytotec at 6:00-ish, and B arrived at roughly the same time. Anyway, things progressed and, at just before 7PM, Devlin was delivered. Things went blessedly fast once they started, and before we knew it, it was all over.
The next decision that we were to make was easily the most difficult that I have had to make in recent memory: did we want to see him? B was sure that he did, but for me it wasn't until the nurse said "This is the only chance you'll get" that I really realized that it was true, it was now or never. He was brought over to us, wrapped in a blanket, and we had a few minutes to look at him, he was so, so small. His left hand hadn't fully developed and had no fingers, but mostly he was just SO small! His weight was 267 grams, which works out to a scant 9.4 ounces, and he was only about 10 inches long.
Recovery has been relatively easy physically. I was not in any pain after the delivery, and I came home first thing Saturday morning. B was really sick on Saturday, so I had to take on a little bit more than I was ready for, but his body needed to let things go, he had been fighting something off for days. We have all been there. UUP, GG-ma, GG-pa, UUI, UUJ, and my Mom were a big help from Thursday on, and on Saturday afternoon, V and little-G arrived from NYC to help out over the weekend.
B and I are immensely grateful for all of the help that has been given and offered, and we thank you all for your patience and understanding with us over the past little while. We know that we are still only at the beginning of the grieving process, and that the next while is going to be difficult. It is being very hard on me because, outwardly, I look perfectly normal, but I DID just go through labour and delivery...I just don't have a baby to show for it. I am finding that even I expect myself to jump right back into full normal activity, even though I know that it isn't feasible. I get incredibly tired, incredibly quickly.
The kids are coping fairly well. T is a bit sad, R seems angry, but E and D are too young to understand, so they are acting pretty much normal. They all mean well, but it is clear that their best intentions are not coming across quite the way they might mean for them to. T told B that we can always just have another little baby boy and name him Devlin Malachi. He had to explain to her that we do not replace people, and that Devlin will always be her brother and a part of our family, even if we don't see him.
We are going to have Devlin cremated, since we don't know for certain if we will live in Ottawa forever, and we can't bear the thought of leaving Devlin all alone. We will have him with us, along with his teddy bear and the memory box that the staff at the hospital made up for us. Also, since neither of us is religious, we do not plan to have a formal funeral, but instead would like to have a family gathering that is nice and quiet.