As I had mentioned in my blog post last week, we were trying to stay optimistic about Mr. 5's prognosis, since we hadn't been made aware of any visible defects in previous ultrasounds. I will take a moment here to correct myself. We have chosen a name for this poor little boy, his name is Devlin Malachi...but I digress.
In the course of a one-hour long Level 2 ultrasound we discovered a whole lot. To start off with, he moves a LOT, even if I don't really feel any of it. He is quite mobile, and that did make it impossible to see some of the things that they had wanted to see. We were told that, had we been needing to find out the gender, it would not have even been possible because of the way he was positioned. We were unable to get a picture, I'm sad to say. His head was nestled down into my left hip and we barely got a look at his face at all.
The maternal fetal medicine fellow came in to discuss results of the ultrasound with us, starting off by saying that my fluid levels were low. This isn't good, but it also wasn't any surprise, since he looked quite squished in his cozy little home. We were told that, when there is low fluid, the next step is to look at the kidneys. His did not look healthy, they are malformed and dilated. His bladder is quite large, indicating that there is a problem with his urethra, so he cannot pee. His bladder is just getting larger and larger, which in turn damages the kidneys more. His stomach is also very small and did not expand at all over the course of the entire hour, even though he should be drinking fluid, and was actually seen doing so by the sonographer.
B and I had kind of thought that the heart didn't look quite right while the ultrasound was being performed, and our suspicion was confirmed. There are holes in the upper and lower chambers of his heart, at least two of them, but we don't know for certain how many. Also, his pulmonary artery and aorta are both malformed. Amazingly, his heart rate manages to remain a fairly constant 140-150 beats per minute, which is perfect for a growing fetus.
Moving on, we were told that his head had a lemon shape, which is not a good sign. His spine has a "C" shape, and that he definitely has spina bifida, which is a hole in his back where some of the spinal cord protrudes form the body. Lastly, they measured all of his "long bones" (arms and legs) and we were told that they are all quite short. This was no shock, I look closer to 14 or 15 weeks pregnant than the 22 weeks that I am. His weight is estimated at about 12 ounces, which sounds really small but it isn't too far off from where he should be, which is just over 15 ounces. He is only weighing about a week behind, so that in itself isn't too bad...at least there's something, right?
With all of this together, we are pretty much floored. We were offered a fetal cardiac ultrasound, but it would be another hour-long ultrasound and since there is nothing that they will be able to do to help him even if he is born alive, we decided that it really isn't worth the time and stress of finding out the exact details. If the doctors would be able to help him, then we would understand why they would need to know "what they were dealing with," but in this case we just know now that he is not going to make it. We go back in two weeks for another ultrasound to see how he's doing, a pattern which will probably continue until he passes or until term. Other than that we are simply waiting to see what happens.
We also decided that, now that we know a bit more, and since we are becoming increasingly stressed out with each passing day, it was time to let the kids in on what is going on. They took it very well. They are clearly disappointed, but we were very clear with them that it was nobody's fault, and this is still their little brother, even if they never end up getting to see him. We fully expect that there might be some questions in the days and weeks to come, since this kind of news takes some time to sink in.
So that was my Monday, how was everyone else's??
I feel like I should add a little note here. I joke and laugh...a LOT...about pretty much everything. Lately, I probably laugh far too much, and I know that it can be incredibly misleading...in fact, I have been told that by a few people who have only met me recently as a part of this journey with Devlin. This is not a conscious thing at all, but a way to cope with difficult or uncomfortable situations and events. I have noticed that it has been really bad lately, and understandably so, I am utterly miserable and don't know what else to do. I just want to kind of let you all know that this is not me being glib or not caring about our situation. I am having a horrible time with this, I mean, it really is a total mind job! I feel like I am carrying around a dead body in my belly, and that is really messing with my mind. At the same time, I have needed to pretend for the sake of the kids that this baby is healthy and that we don't know that he is a boy, and I have also had to lie to the girls to their faces, something that I absolutely DETEST doing! A few days ago I had to dig through old clothes to find the kids' summer clothes that are still usable, and in the boxes were all of the baby clothes of D's that we had kept, and that I was really excited to be able to use again for Devlin...I'll just say that it was less than easy.
Anyhow, just know that, while I might appear to be quite happy when I'm around people, this sucks...really, really, REALLY sucks! I even voted myself out of Mother's Day because right now the last thing I want to do is to celebrate my Motherhood, and being around people for any amount of time was incredibly hard for me over the last week or so. We are very lucky to have family who are understanding and willing to let B and I have our space when we need it, while still being there for us at the same time.